Something...

I have been gone awhile and I do apologize. It's been a weird summer

The past few weeks I have been avoiding John. He continued to text me and try to get me to hang out with him, but I just wouldn't have it. I have had feelings for him and he didn't want to be with me. I had finally gotten the courage to stay away from him because nothing good would come of me continuing to sleep with him. I had been doing really good.

Then last night. He was at the bar. We still have the same friends and we all ended up hanging out together. He kept putting his hand on my leg and whispering in my ear so I finally told him the deal. He said he noticed that I had been ignoring him. I explained to him why and that I couldn't be with him any longer. Then he started to tell me how much he has missed me the last four weeks or so. He said he just wanted to see me so bad and not for sex. Now this is upsetting for me to hear after all my hard work over the past month. Then he goes on to tell me that he wants to be with me. he doesn't want to lose me and he wants us to be together for real.

I started getting so frustrated and upset with him. Where was this four weeks ago? three months ago? a year ago? I felt like Carrie when Big showed up right before she was leaving for Paris. I even explained this to him. How Carrie and Big were off again on again. She finally gets the courage to ignore his calls and delete his messages. Then Big shows up declaring his love for her and she freaks out on him. He understood after I explained all this to him. But then of course Carrie and Big end up together. Carrie and John. Funny bc ,well you don't know my name, but it almost Carrie. hehe

Anyway we talked for a really long time. About:

-how we have been together for two years. on and off of course, but how it is hard for either of us to imagine life without the other. everytime we are off I think how he will not be there and how upsetting that is. we both agreed that being together is just normal and not being together always never feels right.

-how last time we actually dated things didn't work well. the problem was with john and I anytime we start dating it isn't like a normal dating thing. we aren't starting from the beginning because we have been together for a good time. it's more like starting in the middle. that caused problems.

-how he needs to get a job. he has been out of work for a month and i just refuse to date a man without a job.

-the plan. to be two people who like eachother and are starting to casually date.

Later that night he wanted to go back to my place. I told him we would not be having sex. He asked why. I explained how the past two years our relationship has been based on sex and that if we want to do things right then we are not gonna start by having sex. He totally agreed and respected my feelings. We just went home and watched TV until we went to sleep.

I had still been feeling confused. Should I have just said no and moved on? But it's John and we have something. Why I wanna take things so slow because I am still not sure what I think about all this. Then I was listening to Abbey Road, my favourite Beatles album. "Something" made me realize that I do want to give him a chance. "Something" is exactly how I feel about John. After hanging out with him I used to lie in bed listening to it over and over just thinking about him.

Always- LSG

"Something in the way she moves;
Attracts me like no other lover.
Something in the way she woos me.
I don't wanna leaver her now.
You know I believe and how
Somewhere in her smile she knows;
That I dont need no other lover.
Someting in her style that shows me.
I don't wanna leave her now.
You know I bleieve and how
Your asking me will my love grow?
I don't know; Idon't know."

"Something" by The Beatles, from Abbey Road

The Gamer Boy

A couple of years ago, I dated the Gamer Boy. I will tell you right now to watch out for the Gamer Boy. He is the guy that spends all his time playing WoW or surfing the net. He actually plays Facebook Mafia and Myspace Mob Wars. He has a headset with a microphone on it. He often talks about his friends, but actually has never me any of these people in real life. And he is probably overweight and doesn't shower every day. This is the Gamer Boy.

I met Gamer Boy in a class at school, having no idea of his annoying habit. He asked me out and we met a the bar that Friday. I had a lot of fun and we started to date. Soon I realized his obsession. I come to his apt. to go out or something and he would be gaming. He would tell me just 20 minutes, I am grinding or battling or whatever. This became a common theme for our dates. I would meet at his place. Find my spot on the bed. Turn on the TV or open a book and begin to wait. It was very annoying.

Then I got to the point in our relationship where I was ready to sleep with Gamer Boy. Boy, was this a feat. I would get in be and ask him to come with me. He was like no I am playing. I would lay in bed alone, topless, listening to him spout random gamer lingo into his microphone headset. I was not too happy about this. I finally got Gamer Boy to sleep with me one night. And guess what? As soon as we were done he got up and went back to gaming.

Needless to say I soon broke up with him. I mean what man would rather play computer games when there is a naked girl in his bed, who is horny. I will never understand Gamer Boys. So now I try to avoid them.

Always- LSG

Bingo Night

Bingo Night is on Wednesdays at my favourite bar. I try to go as often as possible. Last nite I went with Sara, her husband, my best friend, and some other people from Sara and her husband's group. They are the only ones married in the group.

On my way to the bar I get a text from John asking me what I have been up to. I decide to ignore it. Like an hour later he texts me again asking me if I am mad at him. Now this does make me mad. He ignores my texts all the time and I don't say a thing. I just go on. I ignore his text one time and he thinks I am mad at him. I tell him no, that I am just at the bar.

He asks me what my plans are for the nite. I say bingo.
John- 'did you want to fuck tonight?'
Me- 'i dunno'
John- 'you don't know. what are you on the rag?'
I am thinking this might be a good excuse but say
Me- 'no just not in the mood'
John- 'that's cool if you change your mind or want to some other time'
Me- 'ok'
John- 'my big hard throbbing cock will be waiting for you'
He begins to get desperate and starts saying he will do things he never does.
I don't believe him, but continue to entertain him knowing that I won't be seeing him.

So enough about John. In an old post I talked about hanging out at Sara's and a guy in her group that I have always had a crush on. He was at bingo last night and I sat by him. After bingo we all went back to his house to watch a movie. On the couch he had his arm around me. After one of our many smoke breaks, he grabs my hand, leads me inside, and tells me he is ready for bed. I go to his room with him. We start talking and then he kisses me. We start making out. When he goes to take my shirt off, I tell him that I am not having sex with him.

He wants to have sex, but I tell him that I am not that easy. I won't just give it up on the first nite. I tell him if he wants to have sex with me that he has to work for it. Then I tell him that I like him. If I didn't like him I would have sex with him. I tell him that I have actually have a crush on him for awhile, but he always had a girlfriend. He is like, 'so you've been digging me for awhile. well I have been digging you for awhile.' I am like no you haven't. You were with T. He tells me that even when he was with her that he was digging me. He then asks if the whole T. thing makes me feel weird. I am like no, why would I care. Then he says well I am not with her anymore. I am with you now.

We make out and cuddle all night. It was very nice. He was very respectful. In the morning I ask him if he wants to hang out again. He says 'well we will have to.' He also realizes that we have been sharing the same pillow all nite. He tells me he will have to get another pillow if I am going to be spending the night. When I go to leave he tells me that we will hang out this weekend. Then I realize he never got my number. But I think if he actually likes me then he can get a hold of me. He could get my number from Sara or he could Facebook friend me. My phone number is on my facebook. I am sure I will see him again too because of our mutual friends. I tell myself that if he wants to talk to me then he will. If he wants to see me then he will.

Plus- I have talked to Sara about all this, and she is totally cool with it.

Always- LSG

My Weekend

Okay, so it's three in the morning and I can't sleep. Guy Friend is in the living room asleep on my couch. He was there last night too. Hmmm. I did not offer for him to sleep in my bed last night, but I thought he might come in anyway. We have slept (not sex, actual sleeping) in my bed together before. He didn't, however. One of my girlfriends thinks he is taking things slow and trying not to push himself on me.

Tonight we watched a movie in my bed, and he fell asleep. I figured he would stay here. He said he was going to the couch because he had to get up early and didn't want to wake me up. I told him that he would not wake me up, and if he did no big deal. He still went to the couch.

So we have spent the last three nights hanging out together. He hasn't really tried to have a "talk" with me, but I know he is thinking things. Last night we pretty much spent the whole night playing footsie at a friends house on the couch. And he made it a point to tell me how hot and pretty I was. He said I always laugh at things he says like that. I told I always thought it was a joke or him trying to get in my pants. He was like, 'no I am serious. I have always thought that about you.'

Of course we are getting closer. I have tried to get with him before. It was over a year ago. During that time we did get really close, but nothing ever happened. Now he says the time is right for him, and that it wasn't then. I am still planning to go with the flow. I don't want to make any decisions yet.

Also- the whole reason Guy Friend brought up the two of us dating was because I was telling him how annoyed with John I am. John has been acting like two different people. When we are in public he acts like my boyfriend. But when we are in the bedroom he makes sure I know it is just sex and nothing more. Okay I get that, but don't act like it's more when we are around other people. I am just so sick of dealing with him. I was telling Guy Friend all this and how I should just stop it. I told him he should help me and make sure that I just stop it. I keep going back to John because 1- I'm horny and 2-It's easy. Not reasons to continue along some crazy path of I don't even know what with somepone.

Always- LSG

FwB Series: 4- past

The New Girlfriend

When we last left the story of John, he and I had been FwBs from about October to about Aprilish (2008). At this point, that spring, things were beginning to slow down. For like a couple of weeks he wasn't answering my calls and ignoring my texts. I thought it was weird. Then one night I was hanging out with one of our mutual friends who told me John was on a date that night. I was a little perturbed. Not so much that he had found someone else put that he had just left me hanging.

I am glad our friend told me he was dating someone b/c the next night we were all at the bar with friends. And if I hadn't known he was dating someone else I would have been all touchy feely with him like normal. That would have bben really bad b/c it turns out his new girlfriend was a waitress at our favorite bar.

He only dated her for like a month or so. Then she stopped answering his phone calls and avoiding him. And thats how John got a new girlfriend and how his new girlfriend broke up with.

Then of course he wanted to come back to me. I wasn't so quick to take him back though. I was a little upset that he never told me about his new girlfriend and I had to find out from our friend. Not only that but the whole time they were dating he pretending I didn't exist. We have the same group of friends so we would be together a lot. He wouldn't talk to me or look at me or anything. We were friends. But he pretended we weren't.

One night we were messing around on the couch and I stopped it to tell him all this. He was so apologetic about everything. I don't know how sorry he really was or if he was just willing to say anything to get me back into bed. We got into a little argument and I told him I would let him know. Of course, the horny bitch that I am, went back to him as FwBs. This would continue for a few more months. Then I would tell him for the first time that I had realized that I had feelings for him.

To be continued..

Always- LSG

FwB Series: 3-past

So the story begins...
I met John over two years ago. It was like February. We met at bar through mutual friends. After the bar a bunch of us went over to one of the guy's house. Once there John and I sat out on the porch talking and smoking. We were talking and he started to basically tell me my own philosophy on religion, which is another post. Not many ppl see religion the way I do so I was amazed, impressed and intrigued. He definately began to reel me in. I could tell he was into me and wanted to go home with me, but at the time I had a boyfriend. He and I soon broke up with in a couple of weeks, for totally different reasons. That's a pretty good story too.

I didn't see him again til the summer. It was at a house party of some guys we both knew. We spent the entire party with eachother....making out. I eventually had to go home and he walked me to my car. He continued to kiss me. He didn't want me to leave or at least he wanted to go home with me. I wouldn't let him. It was still too early. Later that week we hung out together. He did come home with me that night and we did the deed. It was good and I wanted to see him again.

We tried to start dating and hanging out but things just didn't seem to work. He had a problem answering his phone and making plans. I have since learned he hasn't really been in a lot of relationships, especially ones that lasted more than a month or more. I finally got fed up when I called him one night to hang out. He said he would call me later and we would meet up. He called me at like 3 in the morning and was totally fucked up. He just wanted to come over and have sex with me. I was so angry. That's when we stopped seeing eachother the first time.

That fall when we were all hanging out at a friends house he was definately making it clear to me that he wanted me in the bedroom. I was horny too so I said whatever and we went to my apartment. I didn't think it was a big deal. It would be one night and not a big deal I mean we had done it before.

A month later I was out of town at my grandparents' house when I got a text form him that night. It was his birthday and he wanted birthday sex. I told him I was out of town but I would call him when I was back in town. Thus began our time as friends with benefits. This would last until late the next spring. To be continued...

Always- LSG

FwB Series: 2-Current

I seem to be constantly messing things up with John. Well not really messing them up, more like making it more awkward. I just can't help myself. He makes me so crazy. I want him so bad. After almost two years of being FwBs how could this not happen? We have tried the dating thing a couple of times and it just didn't work. And when we are together everyone assumes that we are probably more than just FwB. He acts mroe than that when we are together. And we are friends. We are great friends. I can't imagine what it would be like if he just wasn't there anymore.

So last Saturday I went to the bar with some friends and he was there too. When we go out we sit together. We hold hands and tell eachother secrets. We even give each other little kisses. Sometimes he comes on too strong in public and I have to push him back. I thought maybe it all meant more than jsut what we are. Others have told me that he is just marking his territory out in public so other know that I am taken for the evening.

Later that night we were lying in bed and I asked him why we aren't together. He said it was because we don't work together. I try to tell him how I feel and how we have been like this for so long. he says "we are just friends with benefits." Yeah, that hurt. Am I just living in my own world. He says he thinks I can't be happy staying right how we are. I don't know what to think anymore. He acts like it's more and then suddenly it's nothing. The thing is he isn't dating anyone else and he certainly isn't sleeping with anyone else. I am the only one in his life like me. Sometimes I think I could fall in love with him. He is more than just sex to me. He is someone I can have a real intelligent conversation with and I can't say that about a lot of my friends. He is probably smarter than most of the people we hang out with. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. I just want to be around him. Half the time I don't even want to have sex with him. I just want to see him and be in his company. I just keep thinking one day he will tell me he feels the same way. And I am not crazy he has told me his feelings before, days after I told him I first had feelings for him. But that is another story.

Always- LSG

My Personal Time

Warning!!- this post most deffinately had adult material. Read at own risk.

As most twenty-three year olds, I love having sex. And it's not so much the orgasm part, it's more about the intimacy with the other person. I love sex whether I get off or not. It does matter that much to me. When I really want an orgasm though I tend to go it alone. I seem to have a better time at getting it done myself and it is usually more intense. What is really great though is tending to myself while a man is lying in bed next to me holding me.

To get to the point though, the thing about going it alone is that when I am done I always crave the touch of a man. It's not that it makes me more horny and want to have sex after I just... Well it's hard to explain. I just want to touch a man and a man to touch me. Maybe a man to lie next to me and hold me. That's the thing. It's when I am done, I feel kind of sad. Because I want someone next to me so bad. The entire time it is totally cool just being all by myself. Sometimes I even prefer doing the deed all alone, but when it's over I want a man.

Many times when I am finished I start texting John. Sometimes I tell him what I've been doing and other times I don't. Usually I try to make plans to see him later in the week.

I really just wanted to write these feelings down and get them out. Does anyone else understand what I'm trying to say??
Always- LSG

The Friend with Benefits Series: 1

When you are a single a friend with benefits can be a marvelous thing. I have had the same FwB for almost two years now. We will call him John. John is, of course, single and 28, and usually works out great.
This series of blogs will consist of two types: Past and Present. Past blogs will continue the ongoing narrative of the course of John and I's relationship, if I can call it that. For a FwB it sure is a lot more complicated that it should be. Present blogs will let you know what is currently going on with John and I.

Some FwBs are just that. They are friends that show up when you need them and leave when you type together has been completed. John and I are different though. Our relationship has been through a lot more than just sex. Currently we do both have feelings for eachother, but are better keeping things the way they are. We have tried the dating thing before and it just doesn't work for us. He isn't good at being a boyfriend, and I want more than he is willing to give me. We are friends. He is probably one of my best guy friends. When we get together, it is always more than just sex. We hang out, we talk, we have fun, we enjoy eachother as humans and not just sex objects. Sometimes I want more from him that just a FwB, but I know that things are good how they are now. I do care deeply about him and I know he cares about me. I don't know if anything will happen to us in the end. But for now I am just happy he is in my life, that we get to share in friendship and a sexual relationship both.

For the record John and I do have rules. We don't sleep with other people when our FwB relationship is on. It is just safer that way. We have in the past been off and were with other people during those times. We can date other people, but when that becomes physical we usually go into an off state. We always seem to return to an on state, however. We just can't seem to stay away from eachother.

Always- LSG