Something...

I have been gone awhile and I do apologize. It's been a weird summer

The past few weeks I have been avoiding John. He continued to text me and try to get me to hang out with him, but I just wouldn't have it. I have had feelings for him and he didn't want to be with me. I had finally gotten the courage to stay away from him because nothing good would come of me continuing to sleep with him. I had been doing really good.

Then last night. He was at the bar. We still have the same friends and we all ended up hanging out together. He kept putting his hand on my leg and whispering in my ear so I finally told him the deal. He said he noticed that I had been ignoring him. I explained to him why and that I couldn't be with him any longer. Then he started to tell me how much he has missed me the last four weeks or so. He said he just wanted to see me so bad and not for sex. Now this is upsetting for me to hear after all my hard work over the past month. Then he goes on to tell me that he wants to be with me. he doesn't want to lose me and he wants us to be together for real.

I started getting so frustrated and upset with him. Where was this four weeks ago? three months ago? a year ago? I felt like Carrie when Big showed up right before she was leaving for Paris. I even explained this to him. How Carrie and Big were off again on again. She finally gets the courage to ignore his calls and delete his messages. Then Big shows up declaring his love for her and she freaks out on him. He understood after I explained all this to him. But then of course Carrie and Big end up together. Carrie and John. Funny bc ,well you don't know my name, but it almost Carrie. hehe

Anyway we talked for a really long time. About:

-how we have been together for two years. on and off of course, but how it is hard for either of us to imagine life without the other. everytime we are off I think how he will not be there and how upsetting that is. we both agreed that being together is just normal and not being together always never feels right.

-how last time we actually dated things didn't work well. the problem was with john and I anytime we start dating it isn't like a normal dating thing. we aren't starting from the beginning because we have been together for a good time. it's more like starting in the middle. that caused problems.

-how he needs to get a job. he has been out of work for a month and i just refuse to date a man without a job.

-the plan. to be two people who like eachother and are starting to casually date.

Later that night he wanted to go back to my place. I told him we would not be having sex. He asked why. I explained how the past two years our relationship has been based on sex and that if we want to do things right then we are not gonna start by having sex. He totally agreed and respected my feelings. We just went home and watched TV until we went to sleep.

I had still been feeling confused. Should I have just said no and moved on? But it's John and we have something. Why I wanna take things so slow because I am still not sure what I think about all this. Then I was listening to Abbey Road, my favourite Beatles album. "Something" made me realize that I do want to give him a chance. "Something" is exactly how I feel about John. After hanging out with him I used to lie in bed listening to it over and over just thinking about him.

Always- LSG

"Something in the way she moves;
Attracts me like no other lover.
Something in the way she woos me.
I don't wanna leaver her now.
You know I believe and how
Somewhere in her smile she knows;
That I dont need no other lover.
Someting in her style that shows me.
I don't wanna leave her now.
You know I bleieve and how
Your asking me will my love grow?
I don't know; Idon't know."

"Something" by The Beatles, from Abbey Road

The Gamer Boy

A couple of years ago, I dated the Gamer Boy. I will tell you right now to watch out for the Gamer Boy. He is the guy that spends all his time playing WoW or surfing the net. He actually plays Facebook Mafia and Myspace Mob Wars. He has a headset with a microphone on it. He often talks about his friends, but actually has never me any of these people in real life. And he is probably overweight and doesn't shower every day. This is the Gamer Boy.

I met Gamer Boy in a class at school, having no idea of his annoying habit. He asked me out and we met a the bar that Friday. I had a lot of fun and we started to date. Soon I realized his obsession. I come to his apt. to go out or something and he would be gaming. He would tell me just 20 minutes, I am grinding or battling or whatever. This became a common theme for our dates. I would meet at his place. Find my spot on the bed. Turn on the TV or open a book and begin to wait. It was very annoying.

Then I got to the point in our relationship where I was ready to sleep with Gamer Boy. Boy, was this a feat. I would get in be and ask him to come with me. He was like no I am playing. I would lay in bed alone, topless, listening to him spout random gamer lingo into his microphone headset. I was not too happy about this. I finally got Gamer Boy to sleep with me one night. And guess what? As soon as we were done he got up and went back to gaming.

Needless to say I soon broke up with him. I mean what man would rather play computer games when there is a naked girl in his bed, who is horny. I will never understand Gamer Boys. So now I try to avoid them.

Always- LSG

The Talk

I had a very long talk with Guy Friend last night. It began with him asking me when we were going to go on a date. I was like I don't know. He said, "you think I am kidding, but I am not. I really want to go on a date with you." Then we started to talk about everything.

He thinks John and all the other guys he has seen me with have treated me like crap. He says that I deserve the best and that he wants to be that man. It sounded so sweet. I mean I have always had a little crush on Guy Friend. And apparently he has always felt the same way about me, but didn't want to hurt our friendship.

I brought up all the things that make him, well, not good boyfriend material. We went through every point that I had. He explained to me that he pretty much had a come to Jesus moment a few weeks ago. He wants to get his life in order. He says he has all these plans. He wants to do something with his life. He is working full time and trying to move out of his mom's house again. He says he wants to go back to school too. He wants to lose friends that aren't good for him and move on to bigger and better things. This all sounds great, but I am still skeptical.

I brought up John. He says he doesn't care about John. He says John is one of the friends he needs to move on from.

I do have feelings for Guy Friend. I just need to know if he really means everything he says. Still not going to make any big decisions. We will continue to hang out as friends. And if the time comes that I feel I'm ready then I'll let him know.

Always- LSG

My Weekend

Okay, so it's three in the morning and I can't sleep. Guy Friend is in the living room asleep on my couch. He was there last night too. Hmmm. I did not offer for him to sleep in my bed last night, but I thought he might come in anyway. We have slept (not sex, actual sleeping) in my bed together before. He didn't, however. One of my girlfriends thinks he is taking things slow and trying not to push himself on me.

Tonight we watched a movie in my bed, and he fell asleep. I figured he would stay here. He said he was going to the couch because he had to get up early and didn't want to wake me up. I told him that he would not wake me up, and if he did no big deal. He still went to the couch.

So we have spent the last three nights hanging out together. He hasn't really tried to have a "talk" with me, but I know he is thinking things. Last night we pretty much spent the whole night playing footsie at a friends house on the couch. And he made it a point to tell me how hot and pretty I was. He said I always laugh at things he says like that. I told I always thought it was a joke or him trying to get in my pants. He was like, 'no I am serious. I have always thought that about you.'

Of course we are getting closer. I have tried to get with him before. It was over a year ago. During that time we did get really close, but nothing ever happened. Now he says the time is right for him, and that it wasn't then. I am still planning to go with the flow. I don't want to make any decisions yet.

Also- the whole reason Guy Friend brought up the two of us dating was because I was telling him how annoyed with John I am. John has been acting like two different people. When we are in public he acts like my boyfriend. But when we are in the bedroom he makes sure I know it is just sex and nothing more. Okay I get that, but don't act like it's more when we are around other people. I am just so sick of dealing with him. I was telling Guy Friend all this and how I should just stop it. I told him he should help me and make sure that I just stop it. I keep going back to John because 1- I'm horny and 2-It's easy. Not reasons to continue along some crazy path of I don't even know what with somepone.

Always- LSG

I'm Intrigued

I picked up my friend from work today, and we hung out for a bit before I had to go to dinner with the Fam. This friend is probably one of my best guy friends. We were at my apartment and I was talking to him about John and how I just need to stop hanging out with him. I hung out with John the night before. This guy friend is also really good friends with John. Suddenly he says to me, 'well why don't you and I date.' I say, 'what, that doesn't make sense in my head.' He says, 'well it does in mine.'

Guy Friend and I have always had a sexual tension between us. I have tried to get with him before, but he said that we were too good of friends. I bring this up in our conversation and he tells me that the time wasn't right then.

After dinner we meet back up to go to the bar. He brings up the two of us dating again. He then said something about us being good friends. I tell him that I am really intrigued by the idea, but we are close friends. I have dated friends before. Not such a great idea. He says he has always thought I was cute and has always liked me. I have had a crush on him since I have met him. We met like 3 or 4 years ago.

I'm thinking I shouldn't make any decisions and just go with the flow. He isn't really boyfriend material, but I do like him. I mean he is one of my best friends. If something happens then it happens. If it doesn't then we stay friends. He did text when he got home tonight telling me how much fun he had hanging out with me today and that we should do it again. Of course we will hang out again. We talk all the time. Just something new to happen today. I'm still intrigued by the idea of Guy Friend and me, but not gonna say ' yes, lets date.'

Always- LSG

The One That Got Away Got Married

We all have that one that got away. Mine, we'll call Sam. I met Sam four years ago, April. We immediately hit it off and began dating. In just a few weeks, he found out that his ex-girlfriend was pregnant. We decided to break things off, but still be friends. The problem is we couldn't stay away from eachother. We were falling in love.

That winter the baby was born, and the following spring we had to finally and truly break things off. He moved a few states away in an attempt to follow his baby's mother. We continued to talk on the phone and keep up with one another. Even when I started dating someone else he was still there for me.

Getting over him was hard. I still consider him the only man that I have ever loved. He compares to no other man I have ever been with. He felt like the one at the time, but we both knew it wouldn't last. When he moved we both knew it was best for him. I eventually accepted it and moved on, but I have never forgotten about him, even when we stopped talking a couple years back.

About two weeks ago, I joined the ever popular fad of social networking by finally getting a Facebook page. I decided to look Sam up to see what he had been up to. I found him. His profile pic was of him and his child. I thought, hey I can friend him there is no harm in that. A few hours later he accepted my friendship, and I went to check out his page, starting with his info. There it was....

HE'S MARRIED?!?!

I immediately turned off the internet and went to bed. I didn't want to read anymore.

I didn't seem to sleep all night. I tossed and turned. All I could think was that he was married. Now I wasn't wishing it was me; it was just such a shock. I knew that we had both moved on. It had been two years since we had last spoken even. But married? How could he be married? I may have been a tad envious of her, but I didn't want to be her. I don't want to be married. And while he is still the only man I ever loved, I don't even want to be with him. It's just weird. My first real boyfriend got married like a year ago and it was and is no big deal at all. But with Sam it is different. I really loved him. Now someone else has his love. I feel like I am no longer allowed to be apart of his life or his memory.

He still lives states away with her and his child, and I think she is even pregnant. I am happy for him though. I loved him and I, of course, want him to have everything. That's all I ever wanted for him. He made me realize with true love that you can let the person go. He left and while it hurt, I was happy that he was going to be a daddy. I miss him; I do, but this is life. He is married. I am single. Tomorrow is a new day.

Always- LSG