I have been gone awhile and I do apologize. It's been a weird summer
The past few weeks I have been avoiding John. He continued to text me and try to get me to hang out with him, but I just wouldn't have it. I have had feelings for him and he didn't want to be with me. I had finally gotten the courage to stay away from him because nothing good would come of me continuing to sleep with him. I had been doing really good.
Then last night. He was at the bar. We still have the same friends and we all ended up hanging out together. He kept putting his hand on my leg and whispering in my ear so I finally told him the deal. He said he noticed that I had been ignoring him. I explained to him why and that I couldn't be with him any longer. Then he started to tell me how much he has missed me the last four weeks or so. He said he just wanted to see me so bad and not for sex. Now this is upsetting for me to hear after all my hard work over the past month. Then he goes on to tell me that he wants to be with me. he doesn't want to lose me and he wants us to be together for real.
I started getting so frustrated and upset with him. Where was this four weeks ago? three months ago? a year ago? I felt like Carrie when Big showed up right before she was leaving for Paris. I even explained this to him. How Carrie and Big were off again on again. She finally gets the courage to ignore his calls and delete his messages. Then Big shows up declaring his love for her and she freaks out on him. He understood after I explained all this to him. But then of course Carrie and Big end up together. Carrie and John. Funny bc ,well you don't know my name, but it almost Carrie. hehe
Anyway we talked for a really long time. About:
-how we have been together for two years. on and off of course, but how it is hard for either of us to imagine life without the other. everytime we are off I think how he will not be there and how upsetting that is. we both agreed that being together is just normal and not being together always never feels right.
-how last time we actually dated things didn't work well. the problem was with john and I anytime we start dating it isn't like a normal dating thing. we aren't starting from the beginning because we have been together for a good time. it's more like starting in the middle. that caused problems.
-how he needs to get a job. he has been out of work for a month and i just refuse to date a man without a job.
-the plan. to be two people who like eachother and are starting to casually date.
Later that night he wanted to go back to my place. I told him we would not be having sex. He asked why. I explained how the past two years our relationship has been based on sex and that if we want to do things right then we are not gonna start by having sex. He totally agreed and respected my feelings. We just went home and watched TV until we went to sleep.
I had still been feeling confused. Should I have just said no and moved on? But it's John and we have something. Why I wanna take things so slow because I am still not sure what I think about all this. Then I was listening to Abbey Road, my favourite Beatles album. "Something" made me realize that I do want to give him a chance. "Something" is exactly how I feel about John. After hanging out with him I used to lie in bed listening to it over and over just thinking about him.
Always- LSG
"Something in the way she moves;
Attracts me like no other lover.
Something in the way she woos me.
I don't wanna leaver her now.
You know I believe and how
Somewhere in her smile she knows;
That I dont need no other lover.
Someting in her style that shows me.
I don't wanna leave her now.
You know I bleieve and how
Your asking me will my love grow?
I don't know; Idon't know."
"Something" by The Beatles, from Abbey Road
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Friday, July 3, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The Talk
I had a very long talk with Guy Friend last night. It began with him asking me when we were going to go on a date. I was like I don't know. He said, "you think I am kidding, but I am not. I really want to go on a date with you." Then we started to talk about everything.
He thinks John and all the other guys he has seen me with have treated me like crap. He says that I deserve the best and that he wants to be that man. It sounded so sweet. I mean I have always had a little crush on Guy Friend. And apparently he has always felt the same way about me, but didn't want to hurt our friendship.
I brought up all the things that make him, well, not good boyfriend material. We went through every point that I had. He explained to me that he pretty much had a come to Jesus moment a few weeks ago. He wants to get his life in order. He says he has all these plans. He wants to do something with his life. He is working full time and trying to move out of his mom's house again. He says he wants to go back to school too. He wants to lose friends that aren't good for him and move on to bigger and better things. This all sounds great, but I am still skeptical.
I brought up John. He says he doesn't care about John. He says John is one of the friends he needs to move on from.
I do have feelings for Guy Friend. I just need to know if he really means everything he says. Still not going to make any big decisions. We will continue to hang out as friends. And if the time comes that I feel I'm ready then I'll let him know.
Always- LSG
He thinks John and all the other guys he has seen me with have treated me like crap. He says that I deserve the best and that he wants to be that man. It sounded so sweet. I mean I have always had a little crush on Guy Friend. And apparently he has always felt the same way about me, but didn't want to hurt our friendship.
I brought up all the things that make him, well, not good boyfriend material. We went through every point that I had. He explained to me that he pretty much had a come to Jesus moment a few weeks ago. He wants to get his life in order. He says he has all these plans. He wants to do something with his life. He is working full time and trying to move out of his mom's house again. He says he wants to go back to school too. He wants to lose friends that aren't good for him and move on to bigger and better things. This all sounds great, but I am still skeptical.
I brought up John. He says he doesn't care about John. He says John is one of the friends he needs to move on from.
I do have feelings for Guy Friend. I just need to know if he really means everything he says. Still not going to make any big decisions. We will continue to hang out as friends. And if the time comes that I feel I'm ready then I'll let him know.
Always- LSG
Friday, May 15, 2009
FwB Series: 2-Current
I seem to be constantly messing things up with John. Well not really messing them up, more like making it more awkward. I just can't help myself. He makes me so crazy. I want him so bad. After almost two years of being FwBs how could this not happen? We have tried the dating thing a couple of times and it just didn't work. And when we are together everyone assumes that we are probably more than just FwB. He acts mroe than that when we are together. And we are friends. We are great friends. I can't imagine what it would be like if he just wasn't there anymore.
So last Saturday I went to the bar with some friends and he was there too. When we go out we sit together. We hold hands and tell eachother secrets. We even give each other little kisses. Sometimes he comes on too strong in public and I have to push him back. I thought maybe it all meant more than jsut what we are. Others have told me that he is just marking his territory out in public so other know that I am taken for the evening.
Later that night we were lying in bed and I asked him why we aren't together. He said it was because we don't work together. I try to tell him how I feel and how we have been like this for so long. he says "we are just friends with benefits." Yeah, that hurt. Am I just living in my own world. He says he thinks I can't be happy staying right how we are. I don't know what to think anymore. He acts like it's more and then suddenly it's nothing. The thing is he isn't dating anyone else and he certainly isn't sleeping with anyone else. I am the only one in his life like me. Sometimes I think I could fall in love with him. He is more than just sex to me. He is someone I can have a real intelligent conversation with and I can't say that about a lot of my friends. He is probably smarter than most of the people we hang out with. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. I just want to be around him. Half the time I don't even want to have sex with him. I just want to see him and be in his company. I just keep thinking one day he will tell me he feels the same way. And I am not crazy he has told me his feelings before, days after I told him I first had feelings for him. But that is another story.
Always- LSG
So last Saturday I went to the bar with some friends and he was there too. When we go out we sit together. We hold hands and tell eachother secrets. We even give each other little kisses. Sometimes he comes on too strong in public and I have to push him back. I thought maybe it all meant more than jsut what we are. Others have told me that he is just marking his territory out in public so other know that I am taken for the evening.
Later that night we were lying in bed and I asked him why we aren't together. He said it was because we don't work together. I try to tell him how I feel and how we have been like this for so long. he says "we are just friends with benefits." Yeah, that hurt. Am I just living in my own world. He says he thinks I can't be happy staying right how we are. I don't know what to think anymore. He acts like it's more and then suddenly it's nothing. The thing is he isn't dating anyone else and he certainly isn't sleeping with anyone else. I am the only one in his life like me. Sometimes I think I could fall in love with him. He is more than just sex to me. He is someone I can have a real intelligent conversation with and I can't say that about a lot of my friends. He is probably smarter than most of the people we hang out with. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. I just want to be around him. Half the time I don't even want to have sex with him. I just want to see him and be in his company. I just keep thinking one day he will tell me he feels the same way. And I am not crazy he has told me his feelings before, days after I told him I first had feelings for him. But that is another story.
Always- LSG
My Personal Time
Warning!!- this post most deffinately had adult material. Read at own risk.
As most twenty-three year olds, I love having sex. And it's not so much the orgasm part, it's more about the intimacy with the other person. I love sex whether I get off or not. It does matter that much to me. When I really want an orgasm though I tend to go it alone. I seem to have a better time at getting it done myself and it is usually more intense. What is really great though is tending to myself while a man is lying in bed next to me holding me.
To get to the point though, the thing about going it alone is that when I am done I always crave the touch of a man. It's not that it makes me more horny and want to have sex after I just... Well it's hard to explain. I just want to touch a man and a man to touch me. Maybe a man to lie next to me and hold me. That's the thing. It's when I am done, I feel kind of sad. Because I want someone next to me so bad. The entire time it is totally cool just being all by myself. Sometimes I even prefer doing the deed all alone, but when it's over I want a man.
Many times when I am finished I start texting John. Sometimes I tell him what I've been doing and other times I don't. Usually I try to make plans to see him later in the week.
I really just wanted to write these feelings down and get them out. Does anyone else understand what I'm trying to say??
Always- LSG
As most twenty-three year olds, I love having sex. And it's not so much the orgasm part, it's more about the intimacy with the other person. I love sex whether I get off or not. It does matter that much to me. When I really want an orgasm though I tend to go it alone. I seem to have a better time at getting it done myself and it is usually more intense. What is really great though is tending to myself while a man is lying in bed next to me holding me.
To get to the point though, the thing about going it alone is that when I am done I always crave the touch of a man. It's not that it makes me more horny and want to have sex after I just... Well it's hard to explain. I just want to touch a man and a man to touch me. Maybe a man to lie next to me and hold me. That's the thing. It's when I am done, I feel kind of sad. Because I want someone next to me so bad. The entire time it is totally cool just being all by myself. Sometimes I even prefer doing the deed all alone, but when it's over I want a man.
Many times when I am finished I start texting John. Sometimes I tell him what I've been doing and other times I don't. Usually I try to make plans to see him later in the week.
I really just wanted to write these feelings down and get them out. Does anyone else understand what I'm trying to say??
Always- LSG
Saturday, May 9, 2009
The Friend with Benefits Series: 1
When you are a single a friend with benefits can be a marvelous thing. I have had the same FwB for almost two years now. We will call him John. John is, of course, single and 28, and usually works out great.
This series of blogs will consist of two types: Past and Present. Past blogs will continue the ongoing narrative of the course of John and I's relationship, if I can call it that. For a FwB it sure is a lot more complicated that it should be. Present blogs will let you know what is currently going on with John and I.
Some FwBs are just that. They are friends that show up when you need them and leave when you type together has been completed. John and I are different though. Our relationship has been through a lot more than just sex. Currently we do both have feelings for eachother, but are better keeping things the way they are. We have tried the dating thing before and it just doesn't work for us. He isn't good at being a boyfriend, and I want more than he is willing to give me. We are friends. He is probably one of my best guy friends. When we get together, it is always more than just sex. We hang out, we talk, we have fun, we enjoy eachother as humans and not just sex objects. Sometimes I want more from him that just a FwB, but I know that things are good how they are now. I do care deeply about him and I know he cares about me. I don't know if anything will happen to us in the end. But for now I am just happy he is in my life, that we get to share in friendship and a sexual relationship both.
For the record John and I do have rules. We don't sleep with other people when our FwB relationship is on. It is just safer that way. We have in the past been off and were with other people during those times. We can date other people, but when that becomes physical we usually go into an off state. We always seem to return to an on state, however. We just can't seem to stay away from eachother.
Always- LSG
This series of blogs will consist of two types: Past and Present. Past blogs will continue the ongoing narrative of the course of John and I's relationship, if I can call it that. For a FwB it sure is a lot more complicated that it should be. Present blogs will let you know what is currently going on with John and I.
Some FwBs are just that. They are friends that show up when you need them and leave when you type together has been completed. John and I are different though. Our relationship has been through a lot more than just sex. Currently we do both have feelings for eachother, but are better keeping things the way they are. We have tried the dating thing before and it just doesn't work for us. He isn't good at being a boyfriend, and I want more than he is willing to give me. We are friends. He is probably one of my best guy friends. When we get together, it is always more than just sex. We hang out, we talk, we have fun, we enjoy eachother as humans and not just sex objects. Sometimes I want more from him that just a FwB, but I know that things are good how they are now. I do care deeply about him and I know he cares about me. I don't know if anything will happen to us in the end. But for now I am just happy he is in my life, that we get to share in friendship and a sexual relationship both.
For the record John and I do have rules. We don't sleep with other people when our FwB relationship is on. It is just safer that way. We have in the past been off and were with other people during those times. We can date other people, but when that becomes physical we usually go into an off state. We always seem to return to an on state, however. We just can't seem to stay away from eachother.
Always- LSG
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